So after posting Mind Your Manners on my personal facebook account I got a comment from a friend who did not realize that I was the author of the post as well.  I am glad he did not make the connection as he probably would not have shared his feelings on the matter.  His comment inspired me to write another post both clarifying and elaborating on the last post.

This was the comment: “I agree with her point about leading by example; however, in a way, her child’s rudeness is a product of her own parents not teaching “yes Sir”, “yes ma’am”, “no sir”, and “yes ma’am”. It is not so much the words as the respect displayed by the words. A child that is not taught that elders and people of authority are to be shown respect, tend to grow up with a sense of self entitlement that carries into adulthood.”

Well I know that my parents and I are in the minority on the “yes sir,” “no sir” thing, and I understand where the argument is coming from that you still have to respect elders and persons of authority.  I do agree with that, but I don’t believe that “yes sir” and “no sir” is the only way it is done. 

Growing Up

Growing up I remember being at friends’ houses where they got yelled at for not saying  “yes sir” and “no sir” to all questions their parents asked.  I heard countless adults say the words, “yes what?” to which their child replied, “yes sir.”  I remember during those instances thinking that those words did not make the child respect the adult any more and often times made them respect them less.  I never had a conversation about it with my childhood friends, but I did go home and talk about it with my dad and asked him why he did not make us say it.  I asked him if he thought I was disrespectful for not using the word “sir.”

My dad told me that it was more the tone I used and just because I didn’t use the formal words it did not mean I was being disrespectful.  It was at times when I used the wrong tone and was being disrespectful that I would have to then say “sir”.  My dad also had another parenting philosophy that you don’t get onto kids in front of others.  Those matters were taken to another room or talked about in private at a later time.  He also explained to me that he felt it was ruder to call a child out than to not use the word “sir.”   I have to say I agree. {More on that later.}

How I learned to say “Yes Sir/Mam”

Growing up I was not in the practice of saying “yes sir” and “yes mam” as you can probably guess, but today I say it more than any other adult I know.  I use the words “yes sir’, “no sir’, “yes mam” and “no mam” all the time to other adults out of habit, and am constantly being told, “Don’t call me sir/mam,” or “It makes me feel old.”  Why is it no longer just polite when another adult says it?

So if I wasn’t forced as a kid to say it, how did I learn it?  That is the irony.  It became a habit while I was a camp counselor to first and second graders while in college.  I constantly answered them with “yes sir/mam” and “no sir/mam,” and they loved it. You could see all over them that they knew I respected them.  No one else was calling them sir or mam and I wasn’t even requiring them to say it back.  Most kids know those words to be reserved for that respect you have to give adults just because they are adults whether they truly deserve respect or not. 

I continued the practice as a classroom teacher and still do it with my own children.  Because of all the children I have been in contact with over the years, and the countless times I have used it with them, it is now a habit, even to other adults.

I am not trying to toot my own horn and pray that is not how it comes across.  I just find it truly ironic that it became a habit for me while saying it to kids.  Those words are usually reserved for the kids to say to the adults which is something else I struggle with.  I am not fond of practices that require something of children that adults themselves do not do and most adults do not say “yes mam” to other adults.

“Say Yes Sir”

When I think of the common times that “sir” and “mam” are expected to be used it is either a child saying it to an adult or in a military or prison type environment.  Those are situations were there is an obvious subordinate.  I struggle with the true respect found in the word when it is only a one way street. 

Growing up it was not a habit for me and I can honestly say it was never an issue.  My parents taught me to respect my elders and the those in authority such as teachers because of their role and because they were another human being.  They taught me that I was called to be respectful of others because they were all creatures of God, though the words “sir” and “mam” were not required.  In the times when giving respect was not an easy task they explained to me that God had called me to be subordinate to elders and those in authority.  I didn’t have to like the way they treated me, but I was called to rise above that.  I was not a perfect kid, but I would say that I was respectful in most circumstances. 

From my experiences, the only times I ever observed an adult become agitated that the words “sir” or “mam” were not used were when the adults had not truly “earned” respect.   I can’t remember  ever being told to say it myself, but have seen many adults do it to other kids. The adults that respected me as a person and were “easy” to respect never had an issue with my lack of using the formal words.  I have noticed that it is the harder to respect that seem to have a sense that they were entitled to those words, and when forced to say it the kids seemed to lose more repect for that adult.

Ruder To Point It Out

As I mentioned earlier, my dad taught me that it was ruder to point it out than to not say the words “sir” or “mam.”  This point is very ingrained in me.

I chaperoned a trip to the skating rink with some kids from church a couple years ago, and there was a little girl with us who was the sweetest girl you could imagine.  She was a teacher’s dream.  She skated over to the side of the rink where several adults were and began talking to us.  One of the other adults asked her is she was having fun.  She excitedly said “yes!” to which he replied, “Say yes sir.”  The poor little girl’s spirit was crushed as she felt as though she had just gotten in trouble.  You could see it all over her face.  She repeated the words back to him and then skated away.  She didn’t stop back by the adults after that. 

Had she been disrespectful with her first answer?  I didn’t observe anything I would consider disrespectful about it.  In fact I thought the adult was the rude one for embarrassing her in front of the rest of us.  I, like my parents, am all for having a kid say “sir” or “mam” after they have been blatantly disrespectful, but don’t see the need to just hear the words.

Back to Minding Your Manners

So now you know my stance on the words “sir” and “mam.”  You may agree or disagree as that is your choice to make, but as I raise my boys I will not require them to use the words unless they have been blatantly disrespectful.  {My two year old has had to say “yes mam” a couple of times after testing the boundaries.}  Though I will not require them to say it, I will continue to tell them “yes sir” and “no sir” from time to time.  I will also answer them with “yeah” every now an then, and I will accept their respectful “yeah’s” as well.  My oldest surprises me with a “yes sir” {because that is what I tell him} once in a while as he has minded MY manners.

Though this post mainly covered my view on “sir” and “mam” it is the overall philosophy I have in parenting.   I don’t expect my kids to do anything I don’t do.  I don’t expect my kids to eat healthy if I am eating bad.  I don’t expect my kids to exercise if I sit on the couch.  I don’t expect my kids to have manners if I have none.  Doing so is confusing to children and I believe lessens their respect for me.  How can they trust what I say if I am not doing it myself.  Because of this I do my best to be a good example for them and live out what I am trying to teach them.

Mama Bear

One final note…As a mama bear I want to defend my child.  This may or may not make me seem defensive of my child (I will take that chance), but I just wanted to clarify that my two year old was not told he had bad manners because he did not say “sir” or “mam.”  He was told he did not have manners by an adult who in my opinion confused my child by not practicing what he preached.  Though I will not share the offense, he expected something of my child that he himself was doing the opposite of.  That is hard for a two year old to understand and that is where I started thinking about minding your manners if you are going to expect them of a child.

If you are still with me I would love to hear your thoughts whether you agree or disagree with mine.

Growing up my parents never made us say “Yes Sir” and “No Sir.”  I commonly answered my parents with “yeah.”  While to many it would sound as though I had bad manners, for my parents it was all about the tone my brother and I used when we answered them.  We could say “yeah” as often as we wanted as long as we didn’t use a disrespectful tone.  It was when the tone was disrespectful that we got in trouble.  I have much the same parenting philosophy with my children.

According to Wikipedia, manners are the unenforced standards of conduct which demonstrate that a person is proper, polite, and refined.  As the Child Development Institute points out, manners are constantly changing, but there are a few that stand the test of time.  The Institute also states that, “Consideration is the most important idea behind all manners.”  Being considerate almost always includes such common courtesies as saying “please” and “thank you.”  As a mom I desire to teach my young boys to be considerate and to mind their manners, and it is also my duty.

Recently my feathers got a little ruffled when someone suggested that my two year old did not have good manners.  While the offense was not something that I would consider disrespectful, especially for a two year old, it has brought the topic of manners to the forefront of my mind.  How do I instill proper manners?

Here is the best answer I have…I have to live them out myself. 

As the mother of a extremely verbal two year old I have to watch everything I say from the way I talk to the dogs, what I say to other drivers on the road, how I respond to those that serve me in public, and any thing else I could possibly say.  He loves to talk on his toy cell phone, and I will often hear him talking to either his grandparents or his Aunt Casey, repeating things I have said earlier in the day.  He is a mirror of me and sometimes it can be a bit convicting and sometimes it makes me really proud.

One of my son’s first words was “thank you.”  I was extremely proud to hear him say it for the first time and each time after it warmed my heart just as much.  I never used the words, “Can you tell them thank you?”  He simply began saying it as he heard my husband and myself using it.  (He also learned to say “Oh Shoot!” from us.) 

We lived it out and he picked it up. 

As adults we often don’t look at our own behavior when correcting children.  We’re are adults, right?  We can do and say whatever we want, right?  Yes we can, but I don’t think we can expect our children to do any different.  If our children are displaying bad manners, then we must examine ourselves first to see what we are teaching them.  Often times the things we like the least about our children’s behavior are the things that we ourselves do the most.  {As a Sunday School teacher and a former classroom teacher I know this also applies to how we interact with children other than our own.  They learn how to interact with us adults by the way we interact with them.}

What are your teaching your child?  Do you like what you see?  If not, what do you need to change?

Sarah

A common topic of conversation in any group of adults is their professions.  “What do you do for a living” is a basic question when meeting someone new.  As a stay-at-home mom it can sometimes be an uncomfortable question, but it shouldn’t be.

In today’s society staying home with your children is often thought of as a wasting one’s abilities or failing to contribute to the good of society.  When you choose to set your family as a top priority you choose to neglect society as a whole, right?  WRONG! 

It is my personal opinion that choosing to stay home and take care of your children is one of the most selfless things you can do and also one of the most challenging.  There is often little thanks for a job well done and you must be extremely creative to be effective at it. 

WHY DID I STAY HOME?

As a young girl my mom worked.  She did an excellent job, producing well for her company, and climbing up the corporate ladder.  She would be an example of a successful woman by any standards.  Though she commuted a great distance and worked long hours, she was an outstanding mother.  She loved my brother and I like no other mother I have ever seen.  Because of her hard work my brother and I were afforded nice things, but the truth is I always wanted more of HER.  In fact, there is a home video of me throwing a penny into a fountain and my mom asked me on camera what I wished for.  At the age of 8 I wished that my mom could be a stay-at-home mom.  It was always my dream to have her home and therefore it was my dream to stay home with my children.

As I graduated high school, and then became the first in my family on both my mom and dad’s side to graduate college, either male or female, and pursued my goals, I did think about whether or not I still wanted to stay home when I had children.  I recognized that my mother had been successful in the corporate world and also managed to raise two well adjusted children.  I knew that like my mother I had a lot to contribute to the world.  I had a good example in my mom, but the feeling of how much I missed my mom while she worked always flooded back. 

I knew I wanted to stay home, but did that mean that I should stop striving to achieve greater things?  If I did decide to stay home, then what was I doing all of this for?  My answer was for my children.  I wanted my future children to see that they are worth something and to always keep their minds working, expand their knowledge, and make themselves as well rounded as possible.

I am now a college educated mommy of two.  I have a bachelor’s degree with a year towards a master’s degree.  Did I waste my education and training by choosing to stay home with my children?  Not in my opinion.  Am I no longer a valuable contributor to society?  I don’t think so.

WHAT IS MY CONTRIBUTION?

 Many think of stay-at-home moms as soap opera watching, napping, unintelligent woman who wouldn’t be able to cut it in the working world.  How could they?  All they do is cook and clean, are mindlessly at the beck-and-call of their husbands, and meet every request of their children.  Nothing about that seems to require any intelligence or thought, right?  Well if that were truly the case it might be so, but all of the mothers that I have met that stay home with their children are far from any of those things.

My contribution is not to the ratings of “All My Children,” but rather to shaping two young boys into men who fear the Lord and make positive contributions to society themselves.  I spend my days not mindlessly doing menial tasks, but intentionally molding my children.  I have to be creative and resourceful to keep things fresh for both my sons and myself. 

I am essentially a teacher who specializes in teaching two boys instead of an entire classroom.  I am an accountant for a “small corporation”.  I am a doctor and a nurse.  I am a counselor.  I am a life coach.  I am a nutritionist.  I am a P.E. coach.  I am a behaviorist.  Yes I do the laundry, cooking and cleaning too, but so do working mothers.

My job is not boring, but ever changing.  Like most mothers who stay home with their children, I was a professional before I had children.  I chose to stay home because I thought I had more value to offer my children than anyone else could.  I choose to serve my children with all of my talents and abilities, and I do it with a love like no other.  My children are my biggest contribution to society.

WHY I WON’T FEEL ANY LESS?

In the two years that I have been home with my children I have faced the question of what I do for a living many times.  The response to my answer has been half and half from those who say that is great to those who seem to lose respect for me automatically.  I earn some points back when I talk about my background, but there is an assumption beforehand that I must not have any ambitions.  That simply is not so.  I have great ambitions.

I have ambitions of traveling to all 7 continents.  I have been to three and only have 4 more to go.  I want to run the Houston Marathon which I am planning to do in January (given that I get chosen in the registration lottery).  I am scheduled to get my Russian Kettlebell Certification in October.  I want to write a book, which I am practicing writing for on this blog.  I want to learn to play the guitar which I plan to do in the next year or so with my oldest son (he is crazy about music!).  MY greatest ambition of all is raising two respectful, intelligent, experienced, godly men.

Just because I stay home with my children doesn’t mean I stop living.  I do my “job” and I balance my personal time just as any “working” mom.  (Balance is just as key for me as for any other mom.  I can become too involved in my work or spend too much of my time pursuing hobbies just like any other working mom.)  My job is to give them my all during the day, to use my abilities to shape and teach them, and that takes time.

There is another camp that thinks because I don’t have a job that earns me money that I must have a lot of extra time.   I am home all day, right? I must have time to be diong other things such as furthering the Kingdom of God on a “larger scale”.  I have time to be in charge of Vacation Bible School, right?

Well I am within the walls of my home a high percentage of the time, but that does not mean that I have extra time.  I am working with my ten  month old on sign language.  My two year old is reviewing his colors as he paints.  I am intentional with our time and it is my top priority just as those who work prioritize the report that must be on their supervisor’s desk in the morning. I am given a little more flexibility as I am my own boss, but I still have a job to do.  When my little ones are tucked in bed, I leave the “office” and balance the housework with time for me just like any other working mother.

Each mother must choose for themselves whether or not they want to work outside  or in the home.  For some the decision is made for them due to financial circumstances.  For others it is just their preference.  Whatever the case all are working.  I have chosen to work inside my home and love my job.  It is my passion.  My assignment will be complete when my children leave the nest and I will pursue some of my other passions, but until that day I will enjoy every minute of my “work”.

My Passions

So if you have made it this far, there is my rant.  It has taken me three days to complete and it is now 1:00 a.m., as I have been working most of my days.  It may sound a bit defensive, and maybe it is, after reading articles such as one by Linda R. Hirshman, but it is my truth.  I am off to bed as I have another day of work ahead in the morning.  I hope you enjoy your job as much as I do!

As a mom of two young boys I constantly think about what things they are being exposed to, what things I should shelter them from, and what I have no control over.  The media all around from billboards to TV commercials to magazine covers right next to the M&M’s at the grocery store all expose my boys to more than I would like, but I can’ t change that.  That is the world we live in.  I don’t have to invite it into my home, but I can’t lock my children up either.

As a former teacher I get asked the question quite often as to whether or not I am going to homeschool my children.  While like many others I am not completely satisfied with the education system, my answer is always, “NO, I just want to be mom.”  I will be greatly involved as a parent at the school, but I want my children to be exposed to others and learn to navigate through this life for themselves.

Since the birth of our first son, my husband and I have talked often about what we will allow our babies to be exposed to.  Our goal as parents is raise godly children who are able to discern right from wrong, and be productive members of society, positively affecting those around them.  I think the main conclusion we have come up with over and over is to seek God for wisdom in what we allow them to see and listen to, and talk to them about everything.

 I have to admit from time to time I want to completely shelter my boys and move to a remote island, but I know the day will come when they will have to leave the nest.  When that day does come I want them to be prepared to face all the things of this world.  I want them to know how to navigate through this life using Christ as their guide.  I believe the only way I can do that is to allow them to see this world for what it is.

I am not saying that I will let my two year to listen to Little Wayne and watch Nightmare on Elm Street so that he will understand that is part of the world.  I will  have to discern for my children what is age appropriate media for them to take in, but I probably won’t shuffle them out of the room during too many “adult conversations.” 

I have been extremely fortunate.  While I am far from a perfect person, I have dodged many of the lessons others have to learn from themselves.  I don’t drink, didn’t have sex before I married, stayed out of trouble in high school, have never tried a cigarette nor any type of drug.  I credit this to my parents.

Growing up my parents never made me leave the room when there was an “adult conversation.”  I heard the details of my uncle’s drug problem which he still battles today.  I remember being four years old and playing on the front porch while my mom was inside my uncle’s house convincing him to throw his drugs down the toilet.  When we were on our way home she and I discussed why we were there and what had taken place.

At 5 when I heard the women of my family discussing their periods I was totally confused because I didn’t understand what they were talking about.  I only knew a period to be something that goes at the end of a sentence.  The next day when I asked my mom what they were talking she explained it to me truthfully.  At five years old we had our birds and the bees talk and I remember it like it was yesterday.  Not many people can say that.

I have always appreciated that my parents told me the truth.  They never made me leave the room when they were having a conversation with other adults.  I got to see and hear the ugly details and they privately discussed the events with me as well.  I think me being able to see from an early age the hurts that adults I knew and loved were going through made me want to avoid those same struggles as I grew up.  I knew these adults to be good people who faced struggles, as I still had the innocence of a child, and I wanted to do what I could to choose a different path for my life.

My parents also discussed the media that I was exposed to growing up.  We discussed the movies I watched, the magazine covers I saw, and the music I listened to.  In one sense I was sheltered from much media as they taught me the value of not filling your head with junk, but the unavoidable things they discussed with me.  As I matured they allowed me to make decisions for myself about what I allowed in and I often went back to them to discuss how I made the right or wrong decision.

This is what I want with my children.  While they are young I will have to ask God for wisdom to discern what to expose them to, but I will always tell them the truth.  I will always be open about how choices effect people and do my best to teach them how to make the right choice for themselves.

What conversations are you having with your children?  Do you have adult conversations with them?  Do you answer their questions?  How can you begin to talk to them more than you already are?  An most importantly are you asking God for wisdom?

Sarah Brown

When you fly you listen to the flight attendants go over the safety procedures.  Without fail when it comes to the part where they discuss what to do if the oxygen masks come down, they tell us to put on our own mask first before trying to help any others.  As a mom this can sometimes seem kind of backwards because we naturally want to take care of our children first.  But the truth is we can’t help them if we don’t take care of ourselves first.

As we try to raise respectful, successful children who devote their lives to Christ we must remember to put on our own mask first.  This means taking care of our health, devoting time to ourselves, maintaining an atmosphere of romance in our marriages, and most importantly spending time with God.

Today so many moms get it backwards.  We easily slip into devoting our lives to our children, taking them to playgroups, then music class, later to sports practice and the list goes on and on.  In the hustle and bustle of life it is hard to find time for ourselves. 

 As a stay-at-home-mom with a 2 year old and an 8 month old at home I have recently found myself devoting all of my time and attention to their needs forgetting about my own.  In the process I found myself more irritable, worn out, and just lacking true passion for anything.  My wonderful husband quickly brought it to my attention in a loving manner and gave me some time to devote to myself.  I quickly got my passion back for even the littlest things in life and I have made a plan for allowing me more time for myself.  My energy and love for my children has grown as well.

This weekend is Mother’s Day so I challenge you to take some time for yourself and think about how you are taking care of YOU.  Are you wearing your oxygen mask before you attempt to put your children’s on?  Are you taking care of your health, keeping romance alive, and spending time with God?  Start with God and allow Him to give you creativity for the rest.

Sarah Brown

“That’s what’s so difficult about Jesus’ call to love others.  On one level, it’s easy to love God, because God doesn’t smell [like a homeless man].  God doesn’t have bad breath.  God doesn’t reward kindness with evil.  God doesn’t make berating comments.  Loving God is easy, in this sense.  But Jesus really let us have it when he attached our love for God with our love for other people.

In the marriage context, we absolutely have no excuse.  God lets us choose whom we’re going to love.  Because we get the choice and then find it difficult to carry out the love in practice, what grounds do we have to ever stop loving?  God doesn’t command us to get married; He offers it to us as an opportunity.  Once we enter the marriage relationship, we cannot love God  without loving our spouse as well… Yes, [your] spouse may be difficult to love at times, but that’s what marriage is for - to teach us how to love…Allow your marriage relationship to stretch your love and to enlarge your capacity fo love - to teach you to be a Christian.”

I recently read a book that I recommend to anyone who is married or who is thinking about getting married called “Sacred Marriage - What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us Happy? ” by Gary Thomas which I just quoted above.  Mr. Thomas’s perspective of marriage is more incredible than any I have ever heard before.

As he states in his book he views marriage as the greatest catalyst to becoming more Christ like.  In marriage you have to live very close to another human being and learn to love, respect, honor, and serve them no matter what their actions are toward you.  Those are the very principles that Christ came to this earth to exemplify.  Marriage is a lab in which you get to test it out for yourself.  And apart from these qualities you cannot truly love God.

I was given my copy of “Sacred Marriage” at my wedding shower from my aunt.  After getting married I was looking for insights into how I could be the best wife possible for my new husband so I picked the book up and started to read it.  I put it down as fast as I picked it up.

In the beginning Thomas described the infatuation stage of romance and how it fades.  He described the point of view held by many that getting married will be the thing that ultimately makes them happy and completes them, but that is a false assumption.  He wrote that even though it is hard to admit, spouses will at times feel hate for one another though they are dependent on each other.  The hate word was it for me.  I put the book down, went and talked it over with my new husband telling him that I did not agree with this man.  He didn’t know what he was talking about.  I could never hate the wonderful man  I married.

Four years into our marriage and two kids later I heard Gary Thomas on the radio promoting his new book and he mentioned “Sacred Marriage.”  Everything he said seemed right on point so I decided to go back and give the book another chance.  This time I read it all the way through in 3 days and have never agreed more with a book on marriage than this one.  Kind of funny, huh?!

I still don’t like to use the word hate, but I have been very angry and hurt by my husband.  Though extremely hard at times for me to accept, I know I have made my husband extremely angry and hurt at times too.   We have discovered for ourselves that our spouse cannot complete us and will fail us from time to time.  We now have to work harder than we use to keep romance alive due to responsibilities such as two children, finances, and the many other things that demand our attention.  The infatuation stage has passed, but I think we would both agree that the love we have for one another today is sweeter than anything we experienced in the beginning.

Marriage isn’t for everyone, and God  was gracious in not making it a requirement, but there is nothing else like it.  It is not for the weak at heart, but for those who are determined to learn to be more Christ-like.   Do you love God? Are letting your marriage teach you to be more Christ-like?  Are you striving to love, respect, honor and serve your spouse?

Sarah Brown

(Picture of Sarah and CJ Brown taken by Miguel Ramos)